This is a little Potpurri of some of the kitty
tidbits I have found around the net.
POTPURRI
What looks like half a cat?
The other half!
What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool?
She had mittens!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot?
A carrot!
How do cats eat spaghetti?
The same as everyone else - they put it in their mouths!
What is a French cat's favourite pudding?
Chocolate mousse!
What do cat actors say on stage?
Tabby or not tabby!
What did the cat say when he lost all his
money?
I'm paw!
How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling?
She's got that down in the mouth look!
What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla?
An animal that puts you out at night!
What do you do with a blue Burmese?
Try and cheer it up a bit!
What is the cat's favourite TV show?
The evening mews!
What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs!
How is cat food sold?
Usually purr can!
What noise does a cat make going down the
highway?
Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!
What do you get if cross a cat with a canary?
Shredded tweet!
What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have?
A catastrophe!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a
tree?
A cat-a-logue!
What do you call a cat with eight legs that
likes to swim?
An octopuss!
Why did the cat join the Red Cross?
Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!
Who was the most powerful cat in China?
Chairman Miaow !
What do you get if you cross a cat with a
bottle of vinegar?
A sourpuss !
What is more clever than a talking cat?
A spelling bee!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a
canary?
A peeping tom!
How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures?
They never cry over spilt milk!
What do you get if you cross a cat with Father
Christmas ?
Santa Claws!
Why did the cat frown when she passed the
hen house?
Because she heard fowl language!
There were four cats in a boat, one jumped out.
How many were left ?
None. They were all copy cats!
What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats
on the sea ?
A catameringue !
Why is a crazy marmalade cat like a biscuit?
They are both ginger nuts!
What do you call a cat that has just eaten
a whole duck?
A duck filled fatty puss!
What kind of cat should you take into the
desert?
A first aid kitty!
Why do cats chase birds?
For a lark!
What do cats read in the morning?
Mewspapers!
On what should you mount a statue of your cat?
A caterpillar!
How is a cat laying down like a coin?
Because he has his head on one side and his tail on the other!
What cat purrs more than any other?
Purrsians!
How do you spell mousetrap in just three letters?
C-A-T!
What do you get if cross a Tomcat with a Pekingese?
A Peking Tom !
Why did the cat put the letter "M"
into the fridge?
Because it turns "ice" into "mice"!
When the cat's away.....?
The house smells better!
Why was the cat so small?
Because it only ate condensed milk!
Why did the cat cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off!
What works in a circus, walks a tightrope and has claws?
An acrocat!
What do you call a cat wearing shoes?
Puss in boots!
What does a cat call a bowl of mice?
A purrfect meal!
What is another way to describe a cat?
A heat seeking missile!
What did the cat do when he swallowed some
cheese?
He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath!
Why are cats longer in the evening than they are
in the morning?
Because they're let out in the evening and taken
in the morning!
Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
There was some money in the kitty!
Why did the cat sleep under the car?
Because she wanted to wake up oily!
CAT "QUOTES" BY HUMANS KNOWN AND UNKNOWN
"No one can own a cat, but they will bless you
with their company,
if they choose."...Frank Engram
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe
they are God"...
"My husband said it was him or the cat...I miss him sometimes"...
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast"...
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this"...
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats"...English proverb
"One cat just leads to another"...Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you
later"...
Mary Bly
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil and cruel.
True and they have many other fine qualities as well"...Missy Dizick
"I have studied many philiosphers and many cats.
The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior"...Hippolyte Taine
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life"...Faith
Resnick
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many
ailments,
but I never knew one who suffered from insomnia"...Joseph Wood Krutch
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask
for what you want"...
Joseph Wood Krutch
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit"...John S.
Nichols
"The trouble with a kitten is it eventually becomes a cat"....Ogden
Nash
"A cat is always at the wrong side of the door"...
"If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man, but deteriorate
the cat:...
Mark Twain
"How you behave towards cats here below determines your status in heaven"...
Robert A. Heinlein
"Even overweight cats instinctively know the cardinal rule;
when fat, arrange yourself in slim poses"...John Weitz
"A cat is there when you call her-if she doesn't have anything better
to do"...Bill Adler
"No matter how much cats fight, there always seems to be plenty of kittens"...
Abraham Lincoln
"Some cats are blind and stone deaf, but ain't no cat wuz ever dumb"...
Anthony Henderson Euwer
"Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is
so aggravating,
but it ain't so, it's the sickening grammer they use"...Mark Twain
"A home without a cat and a well fed, well petted and properly revered
cat,
may be a perfect home,perhaps, but how can it prove it's title?...Mark twain
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned
by cats"...
"A cat can purr it's way out of anything"...Donna McCrohan
"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea"...Robert A. Heinlein
"Anyone who claims that a cat can not give a dirty look, either has never
kept a cat or is singularly unobservant"...Maurice Burton
"I believe cats to be spirts come to earth. A cat, I'm sure could
walk on a cloud without coming through"...Jules Verne
"Most beds sleep up to six cats. ten cats without the owner"...Stephen
Baker
"Kittens are born with their eyes shut. They open them in about six days,
take a look
around, then close them again for the better part of their lives"....
Stephen Baker
"To bathe a cat takes brute force, perservence, courage of conviction..and
a cat.
The last ingredient is usually hardest to come by"...Stephen Baker
"Cat's hearing apparatus is built to allow the human voice
to easily go in one ear and out the other"...Stephen Baker
"Curiosity killed the cat, satisfaciton brought it back"...English
proverb
"I gave an order to a cat, and the cat gave it to its tail"...Chines
proverb
"Cats invented self-esteem; there is not an insecure bone in their body."...Erma
Bombeck
" In the beginning, God created man, but seeing him so feeble, He gave
him the cat."...
Warren Eckstein
"No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat, and no amount
of masking tape
can ever remove his fur from your couch."...Leo Dworken
" The cat could very well be man's best friend, but he would never stoop
to admit it."...
Doug Larson
"If I called her she would pretend not to hear, but would come a few
moments later when it could
appear that she had thought of doing so first."...Arthur Weigel
" I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult.
It's not. Mine had me
trained in two days."...Bill Dana
" A kitten is so flexible that she is almost double; the hind parts are
equivalent to another kitten
with which the forepart plays. She does not discover that her tail belongs
to her until you tread
on it."...Henry David Thoreau
"To assume a cat's asleep is a grave mistake. He can close his eyes and
keep both his ears
awake."...Aileen Fisher
"Cats are only human. they have their faults."...Kingsley Amis
"The problem with cat's is that they get the exact same look on their
face whether they
see a moth or an ax-murderer."...Paula Poundstone
"Cats are smarter that dogs. You can't get a eight cats to pull a sled
through snow."...Jeff Valdez
"When my cat's aren't happy, I'm not happy. Not because I care about
their mood, but because
I know they're sitting there thinking up ways to get even."...Penny Ward
Moser
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water
bowl."...
Penny Ward Moser
"Cats are dogs with a college education."...Grace Hodgson
"You can't own a cat. The best you can do is be partners."...Sir
Harry Swanson
"In my house lives a cat who is curmudgeon and cantankerous, a cat who
is charming and
convivial, and a cat who is combative and commendable. And yet I have but
one cat."...
Dave Edwards
"The more I know about men, the more I love my cat."...
What is a cat?
1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on
a back fence at night.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll
die for you!"
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many
times?"
And God Created The Cat
On the first day of creation, God created the cat....
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat....
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat....
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat....
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it....
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke....
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox....
Yes, it's a cat's world after all. Amen!
Kittens
A three year old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens, On returning home,
he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied.
"I think it was printed on the bottom!"
What do you get when you cross a chick with
an alley cat?
A peeping tom.
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
What is a cat's favorite song?
Three Blind Mice.
What is a cat's way of keeping law
and order?
Claw Enforcement.
Why did a person with an unspayed
female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
Why are cats better than babies?
Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
What is the name of the unauthorized
autobiography of the cat?
Hiss and Tell.
What do you get when you cross
an elephant with a cat?
A big furry creature that purrs while it sits on your lap and squashes
you.
What do you get when you cross
a cat with a lemon?
A sourpuss.
What does a cat do when it gets
mad?
It has a hissy fit.
Where does a cat go when it
loses its tail?
The retail store.
What does a cat like to eat on a
hot day?
A mice cream cone.
What do cats use to make coffee?
A purrcolator.
What did the man say when the steamroller
ran over his cat?
Nothing. He just stood there with a long puss.
How did the cat feel after the dog chased
it through a screen door?
Strained.
What is the quickest way to get rid of a pesty
cat?
Grab it by the tail -- that's the end of it!
If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps
off, how many cats
are left on the boat?
None! They were copy cats.
Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you?
That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse.
What did the hundred pound mouse say when
it walked down the alley?
"Here, kitty, kitty, kitty."
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
Mice Krispies.
How do cats end a fight?
They hiss and make up.
Why are cats such good singers?
Because they're very mewsical.
What is the cat's favorite magazine?
Good Mousekeeping.
Why do you always find the cat in the last
place you look?
Because you quit looking after you find it.
What is a cat's favorite movie?
"The Sound of Mewsic"
What does a cat that lives near the beach
have in common with Christmas?
Sandy Claws.
Where is one place that your cat can sit,
but you can't?
Your lap.
What time is it when seven cats are chasing
a mouse?
Seven after one.
Why did the cat put oil on the mouse?
Because it squeaked.
What side of the cat has the most fur?
The OUTside.
What is a cat's favorite car?
The Catillac.
What kind of cat will keep your grass short?
A Lawn Meower.
Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury
made up of cats?
Because each of them was guilty of purrjury.
Why did the cat run from the tree?
Because it was afraid of the bark!
Have you heard the story about the cat on
the tin roof?
Never mind, it's over your head.
Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide?
Because he's always spotted.
What is a cat's favorite snack?
Mice Cakes!
RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY
BATHROOMS:
Always accompany quest to the bathroom. It
is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open,
stand on hind legs and hammer with
forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have
ordered an "outside"
door opened, stand halfway in and out and think several things. This is particulary
important during
very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair or bed quickly.
If you cannot manage this in time, get to
an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, any carpeting is good. When
throwing up on the
carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.
HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the
other is idle, stay with the busy one.
This is called "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering:"
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You
can not be seen and
thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless
you can lie across
the book itself.
3) For paperwork, lie on the paper in the most appropriate manner so as to
obscure as much of the
work as possible. Or pretend to doze, but occasionaly reach out and slap the
pencil or pen.
4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards,
keep in mind the aim:
to hamper! First sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly
from the side
of the table. When activity proceeds, nicely roll around on the papers, scattering
them to the
best of your ability. When removed for the second time, make all four legs
flail wildly in order
to push pens, pencils and erasers off the table.
5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump
on the back of the
paper. Humans love suprises.
6) When a human is working at the computer, jump up on the desk, walk across
the keyboard, bat
at the mouse pointer on the screen and then lay in the human's lap, across
arms if possible
to hamper typing in progress.
WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible
in front of the human, especially on
stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they
first get up in the
morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she doesn't move
around to much.
LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter
out of the box as possible, Humans love the
feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where humans cannot
find you. Do not come out for
three or four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to
panic (which they love)
thinking that you have run away or lost. Once you do come out, the humans
will cover you with
love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
More Rules On Being A Cat
1. Make the world your playground, fun is where you find
it.
2. Whenever you make a mess, cover it up.
Dragging a sock over it helps.
3. If you can't get your way, lay
across the keyboard till you do.
4. When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
5. Always find a good patch of sun to nap in, nap often.
6. When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
7. Life is hard, and then you nap.
8. When in doubt, cop an attitude.
9. Curiosity never killed anything, except maybe a few hours.
10. Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them.
11. Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.
12. Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
13. Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care."
ONE LAST THOUGHT:
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their
face, then turn around, and present your
butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guest.
CAT SOUP
MEET T.C. MY OWN ORNERY FUR BABY
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