Growing Old My Way

WARNING!

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.

I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other peoples' gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickles for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

By Jenny Joseph

When I'm An Old Lady
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness... just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided,
Returning each deed. Oh, they'll be so excited!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach,
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
And when that is done I'll hide under the bed!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat.
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry I'll run... if I'm able!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both my eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan. "She's so sweet, when she's sleeping!"
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

Author
Joanne Baxter
Lorain, Oh.

OLD AGE IS NOT FOR SOUR PUSSES

Old folk are fun to be around,
I know because I R one,
I laugh at me so many times,
I just must be a lot of fun!

I lost my glasses the other day,
Where were they, do you s'pose?
Well, they were on my head all right,
But on my forehead, not my nose.

The smallest things amuse me,
Like rising from my chair,
I rock upon my haunches,
'Til I rock me in the air.

Today I left the coffee out,
When I plugged the coffee maker in,
Then I got hot water from the spout,
Where the coffee should have been.

I often feel quite silly,
When I move from room to room,
Wondering what I came for,
And did I come too late too soon?

I really get a kick from
Blowing dust curls out of sight,
There was a time if I'd seen one,
I would have cleaned all night.

And I think it is hilarious,
When I get Viagra ads,
In unmarked, plain, brown envelopes,
I laugh, but don't get mad.

In fact, I almost ordered some,
For an old friend of mine with needs,
But his arthritis was so bad,
He would have rubbed it on his knees.

The many different pills I take,
Are just like tiddly-winks,
My thumb can flip them to my tongue.
And I'm very good, I think.

I've been cautioned by well-meaning folks,
To keep my doors locked tight,
I laugh because I know so well,
My abductor would drop me at first light.

One night when I sat down to dinner,
Everything smelled so good,
But I laughed when I picked up my fork,
For I forgot to serve the food.

You say growing old's not funny,
Well, that depends, my friend,
If you can giggle at yourself,
I think you'll make it to the end.

And I hope with all my heart and soul,
When Saint Peter lets you through,
He's teasing, when he stops and asks,
"WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?"

Virginia (Ginny) Ellis
Copyright March 2003
Ginny's World Of Poetry

More Whipped Cream

I have a new delightful friend,
I'm almost in awe of her.
When we first met I was impressed,
By her bizarre behavior.

That day I had a date with friends,
We met to have some lunch.
Mae had come along with them,
All in all - a pleasant bunch.

When the menus were presented,
We ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups.
Except for Mae who circumvented,
And said, "Ice cream, please. Two scoops."

I was not sure my ears heard right,
And the others were aghast.
"Along with heated apple pie,"
Mae smiled, completely unabashed.

We tried to act quite nonchalant,
As if people did this all the time.
But when our orders were brought out,
I did not enjoy mine.

I could not take my eyes off Mae,
As her pie ala-mode went down.
The other ladies showed dismay,
They ate their lunches, and they frowned.

Well, the next time I went out to eat,
I called and invited Mae.
My lunch contained white tuna meat,
She ordered a parfait.

I smiled when her dish I viewed,
She asked if she amused me.
I answered, "Yes, you do,
And you also do confuse me."

"How come you order rich desserts
When I feel I must be sensible?"
She laughed and said, with wanton mirth,
"I am tasting all that's possible."

"I try to eat the food I need,
And do the things I should.
But life's so short, my friend, indeed,
I hate missing out on something good."

"This year I realized I was old,"
She grinned, "I've not been this old before.
So, before I die, I've got to try,
Those things for years I have ignored.

"I've not smelled all the flowers yet,
And too many books I have not read.
There're more fudge sundaes to woof down,
And kites to be flown overhead."

"There're many malls I have not shopped,
I've not laughed at all the jokes.
I've missed a lot of Broadway Hits,
And potato chips and cokes."

"I want to wade again in water,
And feel ocean spray upon my face.
Sit in a country church once more,
And thank God for His grace."

"I want peanut butter every day,
Spread on my morning toast,
I want un-timed long distance calls,
To the folks I love the most."

"I've not cried at all the movies yet,
Nor walked in the morning rain.
I need to feel wind in my hair,
I want to fall in love again."

"So, if I choose to have dessert,
Instead of having dinner,
If I should die before nightfall,
You'd have to say I died a winner."

"That I missed out on nothing,
That I had my heart's desire.
That I had that final chocolate mousse,
Before my life expired."

With that, I called the waitress over,
"I've changed my mind, it seems."
I said, "I want what she is having,
Only add some more whipped cream."