Going To The Dogs

Top 10 Dog Country & Western Songs:
10. "Don't Chase That Pickup, Rover Boy", by Tex Critter.
9. "Howlin' Over You", by Bonnie Bloodhound.
8. "Four On The Floor", by The Toolbox Terriers.
7. "That Ain't My Collar", by Woof Brooks.
6. "Out Behind The Pool Hall", by Johnny Dumpster.
5. "Bad, Bad Leroy Hound", by Willie Welshound.
4. "Don't Kick The Supper Dish", by Flea G. Shepherd.
3. "Boot Chewin' Boogie", by Hank The Cowdog.
2. "Dog Chow Blues", by The Chuck Wagon Chasers.
1. "Fleas Release Me", by Bark Collie.

Top 10 Dog Bumper Stickers:
10. Honk If You Love Hot Dogs!
9. If You Can Read This, You're Hanging Too Far Out Of The Window!
8. Caution- I Brake For Dead Stuff On The Road!
7. My Snauzer Can Beat Up Your Obedience School Honor Student.
6. Vet is a 4-Letter Word!
5. My Other Car Is The Bed Of A Pickup!
4. I'd Rather Be Digging A Hole In The Back Yard!
3. Hey Cat! New Law - Red Light Means Go Now, OKAY?
2. Caution - Driver Drools Out The Window!
1. Dead Cats - We're For 'Em!

The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers:
20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. ( 1. Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws. )
Top Ten Things to do with a Dead Cat:
10. Kill it 8 more times, just to be sure.
9. Excellent for buffing the truck.
8. Jab a stick in it's mouth and use it for a dustmop.
7. Spray it with glue, hang it from the ceiling...instant flystrip!
6. Paint a stripe on each end, sew up the middle, and PLAY BALL!.
5. Chitlins!
4. Field test the blender...
3. Start a newsgroup, "Dead Cats, I'm for 'em!"
2. Makes a dandy fur coat for the Chihuahua.
1. Get 10 more and go beat the Dallas Cowboys!

Top Ten Reasons Dogs Are Better Than Men:
10. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
9. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
8. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
7. Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
6. You can house train a dog.
5. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
4. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
3. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
2. Dogs don't care whether or not you shave your legs.
1. Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.

Top 10 All Time Dog Bestsellers:
10. "Fire Hydrants of New York", by Rusty the Firehouse Dalmation.
9. "Oh No, Timmy's In The Well Again!", by Lassie with Rudd Weatherwax.
8. "101 Ways To Skin A Cat", by Duke "Crocodile" Dingo Dog.
7. "Why People Throw Sticks, And What To Do About It", by FetchBoy the Golden Retriever.
6. "Stop Chasing Cats and Start Catching Them", by Dr. Rover Tilted.
5. "How I Licked The Toilet Bowl Habit", by Sammy Snauzer.
4. "No Bad Dogs", by Professor Hugo Sitt.
3. "Teach Your Human To Heel", by Rowf Rotweiller.
2. "Spit For Life", by Pete the Wonderdog.
1. "Good Kitty, Dead Kitty", by Spot "Psycho" Poodle.

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