Last week I stated this woman
was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since
been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw
that statement. (Mark Twain)
Santa Claus has the right idea -- visit people only
once a year. (Victor Borge)
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty
scarce. (Mark Twain)
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech -- every
now and then she stops to breathe. (Jimmy Durante)
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with
firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first. (Mark
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people
would stop dying. (Ed Furgol)
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you
a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan)
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous
to offer me the position. (Mark Twain)
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later
in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith)
A woman drove me to drink -- and I hadn't even the courtesy
to thank her. (W.C. Fields)
I never drink water because of the disgusting things
that fish do in it. (W.C. Fields)
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble
is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Honesty may be the best policy,
but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Two guys walk into a bar. You'd
think one of them would have seen it.
In a nutshell, just be good and
kind to your children, because not only are they the
future of the world, but they are the ones who can eventually
sign you into the home.
A word to the wise ain't necessary.
It's the stupid ones who need the advice.
I'll tell you how to beat the
gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane,
walk right into the propeller.
If God had wanted us to vote,
he would have given us candidates.
I busted a mirror and got seven
years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
New York is an exciting town
where something is happening all the time, most of it
--Dennis Miller Please, if you
ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please
put your video camera down and help me.
Women now have choices. They
can be married, not married, have a job, not have a
job, be married with children, unmarried with children.
Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or
When I go to a restaurant I always
ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."
Everyone should have kids. They
are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also
terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are
born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break
I find television very educational.
Every time someone turns on the set, I go into the other
room and read a book.
Dogs lead a nice life. You never
see a dog with a wristwatch.
Every day people are straying
away from the church, and going back to God.
Yesterday I was walking down
the street wearing my eyeglasses and all of a sudden
my prescription ran out.
Life is anything that dies when
you stomp on it.
-- Dave Barry
Thou shall not kill. Thou shall
not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what
was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word
of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
-- Jon Stewart