Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. (Mark Twain)

Santa Claus has the right idea -- visit people only once a year. (Victor Borge)

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. (Mark Twain)

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech -- every now and then she stops to breathe. (Jimmy Durante)

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. (Jilly Cooper)

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. (Mark Twain)

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. (Ed Furgol)

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan)

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
(Henny Youngman)

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. (Mark Twain)

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
(Joe Namath)

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith)

A woman drove me to drink -- and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. (W.C. Fields)

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. (W.C. Fields)

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
(George Burns)

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
--George Carlin

Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
--Daniel Lybra

In a nutshell, just be good and kind to your children, because not only are they the future of the world, but they are the ones who can eventually sign you into the home.
--Dennis Miller

A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.
--Bill Cosby

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
--Henny Youngman

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
--Jay Leno

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
--Steven Wright

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.
--Johnny Carson

--Dennis Miller Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me.
--Bobcat Goldthwait

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.
--Tim Allen

When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."
--Henny Youngman

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
--Ray Romano

I find television very educational. Every time someone turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
--Groucho Marx

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
--George Carlin

Every day people are straying away from the church, and going back to God.
--Lenny Bruce

Yesterday I was walking down the street wearing my eyeglasses and all of a sudden my prescription ran out.
--Steven Wright

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
-- Dave Barry

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
-- Jon Stewart